Accidents -- a play by Richard Katz

ACCIDENTS -- A Play in Four Acts

If you didn't really want to read a stageplay, you can return to Richard Katz's Homepage

Point Richmond, California

510-843-3764

510-236-1865

English/Hebrew Translation by Dr. Yitzhak Samuel

and based partially on an anecdote told by André Lacroix

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Jake, Zeke, Ike, Izzy, Tony &emdash;&emdash; Loungers at the General Store

Kid at the General Store

Reuben

Sandy

Gerson and Vicki and Sara and Jonathon

Grandma

Aunt Tillie

Shrink

Abe and Eva and Yevshin and Irachael

Local #1 and #2

A small Jewish community in South Jersey is missing its Torah scrolls.

ACCIDENTS

ONE

AS THE CURTAIN RISES, a group of older men are sitting around outside a general store in a very small town in southern New Jersey, watching a baseball game on a small black and white TV. Occasional prerecorded cars drive by NOISILY on their way to the seashore. This general store has definitely seen better days, but they do sell fresh bread and the paper. The cash register sits on top of the candy counter, which is next to the cigar counter, which is in front of the fuses, etc. Promotional signs range from back in the Thirties to all the way up into the Seventies.

The group of men outside includes but is not limited to, JAKE, ZEKE, IKE, IZZY, and TONY. Izzy is the owner of the store; he wears a big bright Texaco star, both on his hat and his jacket. When a car drives up to get some gas at the pump by the curb, a bell DINGS in the store, and IZZY has to get up and take care of it. The older men remain seated, while the forty-five to sixty-five crowd (i.e., Tony) remain standing about. All these men live in or around this small town, and they happen to be in the store at this particular time. Their dress runs from farmers overalls to one fellow in a business suit. They are watching the Philadelphia Phillies, CHEERING for the home team. One of the men swings a baseball bat now and then. After a few strikes and balls, a KID shows up for a newspaper and a loaf of bread. Izzy deals with the kid perfunctorily, making a mark in his credit book. Kid goes on his way.

After a few balls and strikes and a double, a prerecorded Diesel tractor-trailer is HEARD APPROACHING at about forty miles an hour, RUMBLES to a stop, and sets its airbrakes with a HISS. Izzy looks up from the TV to see who his prospective customer is. Truck door SLAMS. Diesel RUMBLE continues in the background. After ten seconds or so, the Diesel SHUTS DOWN.

REUBEN enters, dressed after the manner of a trucker &emdash; boots, ten gallon hat, vest, jeans.

IZZY

(recognition)

Well I'll be goddamned. I'll be goddamned. How ya doin', Killer?

REUBEN

I'm doin' OK, Izzy. Long time no see.

IZZY

Jesus Christ, how long's it been? A good five six years. How're things out in California? California, ain't that right?

REUBEN

Yeah. I just thought I'd stop in. Buy a paper. Is the bread still fresh?

IZZY

Ain't bar mitzvah'ed yet.

REUBEN

(laughing)

Ain't bar mitzvah'ed yet. Some things never change. What was your other joke? Something about the paper.

IZZY

Been down to the house yet?

REUBEN

Naw. Just rolled in.

IZZY

Yeah, your grandma said somethin' about you drivin' a truck. We thought you went out there to go to school.

REUBEN

I did. Chemistry.

IZZY

Did ya finish?

REUBEN

Yeah.

JAKE

(affectionately, with a Yiddish accent)

Ein Khemist! Nemmt geld, macht dreck, is some kind Khemist!

ZEKE

(looking up from the television)

Well I'll be goddamned! My nephew the truckdriver! How ya doin', Bunky?

REUBEN

Can't complain, Uncle Zeke.

ZEKE

I heard the truck comin' up. Sounded like our B model, and then who comes up but you. I knew it wasn't our B model. I said to myself,

(importantly)

"He's runnin a Cummins."

JAKE

So... You're a trucker. What're ya haulin'?

REUBEN

Postholes.

IZZY

Postholes.

JAKE

Is that like potholes?

TONY

Where ya haulin'em from?

REUBEN

(shaking hands)

Hey, Tony! How'se it goin'? Atlantic City.

TONY

The only kind of holes you haul from Atlantic City is assholes. They got tons of'em.

IZZY

You haul a load of dollarbills to Atlantic City?

ZEKE

Your cousin Jeffrey is in Atlantic City.

REUBEN

He's a lawyer, isn't he?

ZEKE

Yeah, he's a goniff. Doin' good.

REUBEN

Glad to hear it. I was hauling trees.

JAKE

Must be some kind fancy lumber!

REUBEN

It's not lumber.

ZEKE

It's trees, ain't it? You just said trees.

REUBEN

They're bronze. Bronze trees. For a casino. Supposed to look like a forest. At the Chalfonte. Looks nice. 'Course all the leaves fell off. In the trailer.

JAKE

Reuben, Reuben, it's Fall. They're playing the World Series, for Christ sake. What the hell did you expect? Didn't you learn nothin' from your Uncle Sam? Remember when you used to work by Sam out at the farm?

REUBEN

Yeah. I remember.

(pause)

It's sculpture. You know, Art. Decorations. Ornaments. Statues.

ZEKE

Must be some helluva trees. When you supposed to deliver?

REUBEN

We already did. Left Philly yesterday morning, got to A.C. about one, then you know, hurry up and wait.

TONY

Did they put you up at the hotel?

REUBEN

Naw. At the Chalfonte-Haddon Hall? No truckers or dogs or Jews allowed. We stayed at the Deauville. They got a big parking lot.

ZEKE

When you drivin' back? You got you a backhaul?

REUBEN

Backhaul. No. It's a piggyback. You know, the trailer belongs to the railroad. All we got to do is drop it in Philly.

JAKE

And then the railroad hauls it beck.

(rell-road)

REUBEN

Uuh, yeah. Sort of.

TONY

Who's we? You got a co-driver? Where is he?

REUBEN

She. She's sleepin' out in the truck.

ZEKE

Larry was tellin' me you owned a truck.

REUBEN

I do. Several of them, in fact. In California.

IZZY

So now you're gonna drive the truck all the way to California without a trailer?

JAKE

If you're empty you oughta go see by Bernie Brown over in Vineland. Over at National Freight. You know'eem, Bernie?

(Boinie)

REUBEN

I rented the truck. To pull the trailer. I turn the truck in up in Philly, at the lease outfit. I'm gonna fly home. I flew here.

ZEKE

Well you don't want to go all the way across the country empty. Nossir! There's no money in that. That's deadheadin'!

REUBEN

No, no, Uncle Zeke, I rented a truck to deliver the freight. I loaded the trees inside that trailer there, in San Francisco. I took the trailer to the railroad yard, near my yard in Richmond. The railroad hauled it to Philly. I got in a plane. I rented a tractor in Philly. We picked up the trailer from the railroad, and delivered it to Atlantic City... Piggyback.

JAKE

And then the Mafia paid you and now you're a fuckin' millionaire. Bernie Brown made the paper this morning.

Reuben

What happened, he get in trouble with the ICC? Hot freight?

TONY

No. Something about some hockey team.

(looking through the Inquirer)

Bernie Brown's got a hockey team, over in Vineland. They play in Philly. Like the Ramblers used to. Bernie Brown even hired some Canadian guy to tell him which end of the stick the guys should be playin' with.

(referring to the paper)

It's right here, listen to this --

Thursday night was opening night for the fledgling Philadelphia Blazers of the World Hockey Association, the new league that the league's founders hope will unseat the National Hockey League's dominance of the sport.

Unfortunately, the game never even started. Before the referee dropped the first puck , in front of nine thousand fans ---

Reuben

Hey! We seen that! We laid over in Philadelphia night before last. We went to that! I couldn't believe it. I mean, the Zamboni fucked up. How many times you ever seen the Zamboni fuck up? Never. Ripped up a big chunk'a ice, regular glacier.

TONY

(referring to the paper)

In front of nine thousand fans, and with only minutes to go before the team's first faceoff, the ice surfacing machine somehow disrupted the playing surface enough to make it, in the opinion of the referees, unplayable.

IKE

Jesus! Nine thousand tickets. And players, and coaches, and the parking!

Oy, yoy yoy.

Reuben

Yeah, and five thousand of the nine thousand, he gave away a free hockey puck. So when the announcer says there's no game, these crazy people in Philly, what do they do, they throw the pucks. Yeah! Then this hockey player, he comes out, he starts tellin'em, you know, "We wanna play, we're sorry this happened," all that shit, you know, a hockey player, a workin' guy, and these crazy Philly people start throwin' the pucks at him!

IKE

Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy.

Reuben

So then it's raining hockey pucks. A plague of hockey pucks.

jake

Hail.

General laughter.

reuben

Yeah! It's hailing hockey pucks!

(pause)

I guess Bernie Brown ended up playing with the short end of his stick.

(He laughs. Then general laughter.)

Bernie got the short end of the stick.

(Uproarious laughter, again.)

He didn't deliver.

Bernie Brown got his hockey team fifty fuckin' feet from the loading dock and he didn't deliver. Ain't that a bitch?

(Reuben laughs, can't stop laughing.)

Reuben takes a few steps away, and addresses the Audience directly.

reuben (soliloquizing)

And here's the really interesting part. Bernie Brown was the guy who figured out how to sell somethin' twice. He'd hire drivers -- no, he didn't hire drivers, he'd sell a guy a truck. "Hey," he'd say, "You wanna be an owner-operator? Be your own boss. Sign right here, and my man, that tractor will be yours!"

And this poor guy -- no education, no money -- he'd see himself behind the wheel of some chrome horse, ridin' high, rollin' down the Boulevard, King of the fuckin' Road. And this gypsy -- I mean Bernie Brown was a visionary, gave rise to a whole new class of drivers, gypsy truckers with tractors -- no trailers -- gypsies who leased out their tractor to some Bernie Brown somewhere, some guy with a telephone and a desk and not a whole hell of a lot else --- so now this gyppo, instead of goin' home with a paycheck, he's out on the road, runnin' 25 hours a day gettin' his brains bounced into his ass, for the greater glory of Bernie fucking Brown -- and barely making ends meet. The beauty of Bernie Brown's vision was that it went right around the ICC and the DOT and everybody else. Hell, it made an end run around the Constitution of the United States. And just when this poor gyppo's startin' to get a little bit ahead, gettin' a few payments ahead of Bernie on the truck, Bernie turns off the freight. "Sorry," Bernie says over the phone, "gotta lay ya over, no loads right now. Hey, there's a good truckstop out there, on eye eighty just ouside'a Waterloo. Watch out for those lot lizards, though! Know what 'a mean? Heh heh!" And then he sits there, this gypsy, this King of the Road, watchin' his life go down the drain, and some other young buck goes sailin' through, buyin' another hundred gallons of fuel, off to see the World, got him a tractor and a trailer just like the one our poor schmuck's saddled up to, loaded up to the gunwhales with goods. "Vineland Freight".

(gunnels)

What a life.

"Go see Bernie Brown," he says. I guess my Uncle Zeke's as dumb as the next guy.

Go see Bernie' Brown's company store. Sixteen tons and whattaya get, another day older and deeper in debt. How much you wanna bet Bernie Brown tried to lease the hockey players their hockey sticks? Probably even figured some way for'em to log extra hours, too. I can just hear it: "How comes these guys only practice a coupla hours? Whyn't they work out til five, at least?" Ignorant sonuvabitch.

Well, fuck Bernie Brown. And the horse he rode in on. Fuck'em all 'cept six; save them for pallbearers.

I never heard anybody say that 'cept here in South Jersey. Ignorant sunsabitches.

And then Bernie Brown's gonna have him a hockey club, like all those millionaires with basketball franchises and National Football League teams. Be a real big shot. And then his driver -- his Zamboni driver, no less -- his driver doesn't pick up the blade high enough cuttin' the ice, and next thing you know, Bernie's got an accident.

He didn't deliver the goods. Listen, Bernie, if you break down fifty feet from the dock, you don't get paid.

Bernie Brown. He didn't deliver.

reuben (finished soliloquizing)

(back in the conversation)

So that made the paper this morning. Freak accident. Bernie Brown's lucky some guy from South Philly didn't strangle him in the parking lot with piano wire.

JAKE

You been to see your brother?

REUBEN

No. Not yet. I hear he's a farmer.

TONY

Yeah. Raisin' muckets.

REUBEN

(laughing)

"Muckets". I been all around the country and I never heard anybody say "muckets", 'cept people here in South Jersey. What else is new? Oh yeah, the World Series. What's the score? This morning Atlantic City was seven to two favor the Phillies winning by two.

JAKE

Nothin' new. Same old shit. 'Course you hoid about Frenk?

REUBEN

Frenk. Frank! You mean Frank Sugarman?

JAKE

Frenk Sugarman. Now he had an excident.

REUBEN

What kind of "excident"?

IKE

Car accident.

REUBEN

Car accident. Was he hurt? When did that happen?

ZEKE

Been a good year, year and a half. He's up to the house most of the time if you want to go see'eem.

REUBEN

Maybe I will. What happened?

ZEKE

Frank was a'goin' down Orchard Road over by the College &emdash; you know, the Junior College on Sherman Avenue? &emdash; on Orchard Road headin' towards Sherman Avenue, and near as anyone can tell, he got sideswiped by a car comin' down Garten Road.

REUBEN

And then?

JAKE

And then vot?

REUBEN

And then what happened?

JAKE

And then vot heppened? I guess there was some excident, cause Frenk's car was to hell and beck.

REUBEN

Goddamn! No, never heard that one. So he was hurt pretty bad, huh? Maybe I oughta go see'em. Is he still laid up, on crutches or something?

ZEKE

I don't know. Do you know, Ike? You know Ike, don'tcha, Reuben? Sis's boy. Morris's grandson. Morris and Lil.

IKE

Aw yeah, I remember'eem now. My god I haven't seen'eem since he was up to here on me. He kind of reminds me of Morris. But I can see his Grandma in him too. How is your Grandma? Haven't seen her lately. She still on the Schoolboard?

REUBEN

I haven't seen her yet myself. I just rolled in.

DING. SANDY enters. She looks around, astounded at the look of this place.

ZEKE

Got a customer, Iz.

IZZY

What can I do ya for? Need gas?

SANDY

I'm with him. Reuben where have you been?

REUBEN

Right here.

SANDY

Can we go now or do you have something you have to do here?

REUBEN

Just a minute, OK? What were you saying about that accident?

JAKE

Frenk, you mean. Yeah, he got in a wreck.

SANDY

Who's Frank? Your Uncle Frank?

REUBEN

Yeah. He lives up the street. My Uncle Frank.

ZEKE

Really knocked'eem ass over teacups. And Fay. Don't know if she's gonna make it.

JAKE

Nearly it killed Frenk, ven he seen vot heppened to Fay.

REUBEN

What happened to Aunt Fay?

TONY

Fella hit Frank, Reuben, musta been doin' sixty or better, throwed Fay clear of the car. That was six, eight months ago. Wasn't it?

ZEKE

Good eight months ago. That was before New Year's. Hell, it was still warm out, I remember I was out in the yard when Adam come over. "Frank's been in a wreck," he said.

JAKE

I told Frenk not to drive around in one of those little cars. But everybody's got to have a little car nowadays, keep up with the neighbors.

REUBEN

Isn't there a stop sign on Garten Road where it comes into Orchard Road?

ZEKE

Yes, hell yes. That's just what I said when Adam told me what happened. "Sonuvabitch run a stopsign", I said. "Sonuvabitch run a stop sign."

IKE

Yeah, I remember I told the trooper about how if you look at that stop sign, you can't hardly see it, cause it's damn near covered up by a tree limb. County doesn't hardly maintain the roads anymore, not like when Max was Freeholder. Max ran that Roads and Bridges like it oughta be run. Goddam right!

REUBEN

Who hit'em?

JAKE

A man from Pleasantville.

REUBEN

Just passin' through, huh?

TONY

That fella was tryin' out a new car.

REUBEN

Trying out a new car. From where?

TONY

From over on the Pike. Where they used to have the Armory, got a big foreign car dealer's now. They said that car he wrecked cost forty six thousand dollars. Sonuvabitch musta been goin' a hunnert miles an hour. I mean that little Nip piece a shit wasn't hardly nothin left of it.

REUBEN

Guy died?

TONY

Fuck no. Oh pardon me, young lady. Pardon my ...

SANDY

It's okay. Who gives a fuck, we're all just one of the boys.

REUBEN

Guy lived?

TONY

Yeah he lived. Got up and walked away like nothin' happened. I mean, I wasn't there or nothin', but when me and the wife got there, there wasn't nothin' hardly wrong with him at all. Turned out later he had a busted arm. Tillie from over at the Hospital, she told me that. Said the cops brought him in.

REUBEN

Did they give him a ticket?

JAKE

Ask Frenk. He's the cloik.

REUBEN

Oh yeah. Uncle Frank was always Court Clerk. Doesn't sound like Frank's in any kind of shape to be attending Court just now though. Why was this guy driving so fast?

TONY

Who knows? Goin' to a fire.

ZEKE

I don't think he was from around here.

JAKE

I told you vunce already, Zeke, the man was from Pleasantville.

ZEKE

Then what the hell was he doin' around here? Fella don't know the roads, ought to stay the hell off'em!

REUBEN

Goddam right! Absolutely! Why was this guy driving so fast, really. See, if he wasn't from around here, what was he doing around here, driving like a maniac in a borrowed car? Wait a minute, that was a dealer car. The guy was test-driving it?

IKE

More like he was just drivin' it, Reuben. He just paid fer it. Came down from Philly to buy a car. Yeah, that's a big car dealers they got over there. People come from all over to buy a car there. A big deal, buy a car. Come all the way from Philadelphia to buy a car. And the fuckin' car comes all the way from Japan.

REUBEN

The guy must of felt pretty shitty after he wiped out Frank and Fay and Frank's Plymouth Fury. Oh, right, no more Fury, right, little car. A Snit, maybe. Get it? Big Fury, little Snit. A Snit. He drove off in a Snit. Funny. Frank always used to be a mechanic. Drove a bigass car. Detroit Iron!

SANDY

That's very very clever, Reuben. A Snit.

(chuckling in spite of herself)

Can we go now?

REUBEN

Gentlemen, I think we're gonna go now. Where are we going?

JAKE

Well, good you should stop in. You should have a good trip back home. A safe trip.

REUBEN

Yeah, just thought I'd stop in, see what's new. Hey, we're gonna push on.

IZZY, TONY, ZEKE, JAKE, IKE

Okay....See ya later....Drive safe....Stop in to see Harold....Don't work too hard....etc.

Exeunt Reuben and Sandy. Everybody else is back to watching TV.

JAKE

I don't know myself if Frenk's gonna make it. You heard he had another heart atteck last week? Frenk Sugarman. Fuckface Frenk.

ZEKE

Yeah, it's hell, ain't it? Seems like everytime Frank gets to feelin' a little better, he gets another jolt.

IKE

That Reuben's a good kid. Imagine that, puts a bunch of tin Christmas trees on a railroad car. Then flies out here to deliver'em, like a goddam telegram.

Truck doors SLAM.

JAKE

Yeah. Not like us, we should schlep the verkochte trees across the Rocky Mountains prectically on our beck. Yeah, a good kid. Yiddishe Kopf.

DIESEL makes a lot of prerecorded NOISE as it starts up and takes off.

TWO

Reuben's brother GERSON is out plowing a field. Actually, he is lying beneath his farm tractor, repairing his tractor which broke down in the field in the middle of plowing. Rhythmic CLANKING of Gerson's wrench, STEEL ON STEEL. Reuben's Diesel APPROACHES NOISILY, airbrakes HISS, truck IDLES noisily; truck door SLAMS, all offstage. Gerson looks up from his repair job and crawls out from beneath the tractor to greet Sandy and his brother Reuben.

Enter Sandy and Reuben.

GERSON

Hey! My long lost brother!

Reuben and Gerson shake hands.

REUBEN

Wha's happenin', Bro'? Gerson, this is my friend Sandy. She's my co-driver.

GERSON

Nice to meet ya.

SANDY

Pleased to meet you. What happened to your tractor?

GERSON

It broke.

REUBEN

Around here they say, "It's all muxed up." No, wait, they say, "It's all bollixed up." Is it all bollixed up?

GERSON

Aaaah, I put some fuel in it from that can over there, and I could see that it had some water in it, but I figured aaah, what the fuck, it'll burn, and then the sonuvabitch started to lose power.

REUBEN

So then you burned out two injectors and now you figure you might as well drop the crankshaft out here in the field and overhaul the lower end, seein' as how you can't drive it with two bum injectors, right? Real professional.

GERSON

Naaah, we'll get'er goin' here in a minute. You ever try operatin' one of these things?

Gerson is already back to fiddling with his fuel filter. It's a messy job.

REUBEN

Naw. Too noisy.

SANDY

Speaking of noise, why don't you shut that monster off?

REUBEN

Yeah. Good idea. You know, you got to let it cool down, let the cylinder heads equilibrate with the block.

(pause)

Blah blah blah. I'll go shut'er down.

SANDY

What do you give a fuck about "equilibrate"? It's not your truck.

Exit Reuben.

SANDY

What's wrong with it really?

GERSON

I think it's the fuel. Maybe I shoulda changed the fuel filter when I changed the oil last week.

(pause)

How do you like South Jersey?

SANDY

It's pretty. I didn't know there were so many farms.

GERSON

Garden State.

SANDY

I thought it was all chemical factories and toxic waste dumps.

Truck SHUTS DOWN. Truck RADIO keeps BLARING, playing trucker music, Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and Dave Dudley's "Six Days on the Road". Reuben sings along.

GERSON

Yeah, everybody thinks so. Everybody's wrong.

SANDY

I thought people said "Joisey".

GERSON

That's up North. Where all the chemical factories and toxic waste dumps are.

(pause)

Down here we just dump the chemicals on the ground and call it pesticide. Instead of toxic waste.

SANDY

Do you do that?

GERSON

Naw. We're organic. Nobody gives a fuck though. Take'em to the market like everybody else.

SANDY

We just went to Lobel's store.

GERSON

You went in?

SANDY

Yes. Sort of.

GERSON

Who was there?

SANDY

A bunch of old men. A guy named Jake. And a guy named Izzy. I guess he's the owner.

GERSON

Yeah. How'd you like it? Was it worth coming three thousand miles?

SANDY

Yeah sort of. Reuben told me about this place. It sounded kind of interesting.

GERSON

Yeah. Real interesting. What's so interesting about it?

SANDY

Reuben told me that this place was settled by Jewish immigrants who were farmers from Russia.

GERSON

Reuben told you that?

SANDY

It's true isn't it?

GERSON

True.

SANDY

Forty acres and a mule, Reuben calls it. He said a Baron De Hirsch gave Jewish immigrants a place here, and they built a synagogue and a Utopian community.

GERSON

Regular Utopian shtetl. Did he tell you how some smart rich Jews from New York came in and started a sewing factory? Then some smart poor Jews from Carmel started a labor union. so the labor union killed off the sewing factory, and then all the smart Jews went to New York, and the hell with Carmel. You interested in all that stuff? Are you Jewish?

SANDY

My father is Jewish. I study ancient civilization and middle Eastern languages at Berkeley.

GERSON

What department?

SANDY

Anthropology.

GERSON

No shit! So you met him at the University?

SANDY

Actually, we met in a bar. He said he was a truckdriver just passing through.

GERSON

Which bar? The Albatross?

SANDY

Yes. How'd you know?

GERSON

We went out there one time. That's one of his stories.

Reuben finally shuts the TRUCK RADIO OFF.

SANDY

It's a good story. I liked it. He tells a lot of stories. I think I've heard them all, by this time. Like about his family &emdash; about his Grandma, about you...

(pause)

You're really a farmer?

GERSON

No. Really I'm a brain surgeon. I just do this shit on weekends.

Reuben returns.

REUBEN

You know, Gerson, I always knew you would be outstanding in your field. Get it? Out standing in your field. A farmer out standing in his field.

GERSON

I'm not. I'm not even standing. I may's well be in a garage. Up to my ass in Dieselgas.

SANDY

You and your brother both smell like Diesel fuel. Is that inherited?

REUBEN

We were just over at Lobel's store. You know all the old farts sitting' around on Saturday afternoon watchin' the ballgame. Like when we were kids. Ain't that a trip?

GERSON

Yeah. At least they're not in synagogue.

SANDY

Reuben, can we go visit the synagogue?

REUBEN

Yeah sure later. Why not?

GERSON

It's closed.

REUBEN

What do you mean closed?

GERSON

Closed. Out of business. Kaput. Congregation Beth Hillel hasn't had service number one in a year and a half.

REUBEN

Remember how we used to shoot flies with rubber bands on the backs of the chairs? Remember how we used to play prisoner's base while they read the Torah?

GERSON

Yeah, yeah. Remember. Hey man, it's closed.

REUBEN

So what do they use it for? Bingo games?

GERSON

They open it up once a year for Yom Kippur.

REUBEN

Who's they?

GERSON

I don't know. They. Whoever takes care of these things. Our Grandmother. Aunt Tillie. Mr Schwartz. Yom Kippur, it's open. All these people from all over the place drive up to pray.

SANDY

That sounds kind of nice.

REUBEN

Yeah. Day of Atonement. I guess they're atoning for not going to synagogue. The rest of the year, you get it? They're atoning for not going to synagogue by going to synagogue.

GERSON

They sell tickets.

SANDY

They sell tickets?

GERSON

They have to hire a Rabbi and a cantor, so they sell tickets. It was Frank's idea. What the hell, they already sold aliyahs.

REUBEN

They did?

GERSON

Yeah, man. Remember? The auction? They had an auction. On Rosh Hashanah! The aliyahs went to the highest bidder. Remember?

REUBEN

Oh yeah. You mean like who gets to take the Torah out of the ark, and who gets to hold it, and who gets to say the B'ra'ha. Or actually, whose kid gets to say the B'ra'ha. Yeah, I remember.

GERSON

Now they sell tickets and then get people to contribute &emdash;&emdash; for the upkeep of the synagogue.

(pause)

It was kind of a big deal when all the Torahs got stolen.

Gerson's wife VICKI and their two kids Sara aged 8 and Jonathon aged 4 arrive with a picnic lunch.

VICKI

Reuben! You shaved! I hardly recognized you!

REUBEN

Hey! How you doin'?

Reuben hugs Vicki.

REUBEN (cont.)

This is my friend Sandy. This is Vicki and this is Sara and this is Jonathon.

SANDY

Pleased to meet you.

REUBEN

(picking up the kids)

And how are you little cuties? Remember me? I'm your Uncle Reuben. I drove here in that big truck over there.

SARA

My mommy told me not to talk to truckdrivers.

Vicki is setting out lunch, with fruit juice for the kids.

REUBEN

That's good advice. Damn good advice. If you never talk to truckdrivers you'll never.....I don't know, that's good advice. You listen to your Mom.

VICKI

There's this guy who lives down the road and he's a truckdriver and Gerson and I think he's a weirdo, so I told the children not to talk to him.

REUBEN

It's okay, Vick. I understand. Really I do.

VICKI

It's not what you think.

REUBEN

Hey, truckers are scumbags. Let's eat.

VICKI

No, really it's not that at all. It's just this...

They all sit down to eat. Sara says a charming B'ra'ha over her grape juice, out loud. Sandy prays silently before digging in.

REUBEN

Aaaah fuck it. Who cares? You brought lunch? Hey, Sand, we got some of that beer in the truck? And some of those bagels from Rosenberg's on the Boardwalk?

SANDY

The bagels smell like Diesel fuel. I'll get the beer.

Sandy exits for beer.

VICKI

There's just a ton of food here. Gerson always says I don't bring enough.

REUBEN

Great. Home cookin'. Is the bread fresh?

GERSON

Ain't voted yet.

REUBEN

What's the one about the paper?

GERSON

What one about the paper?

REUBEN

I don't know. Something about the paper. The newspaper.

GERSON

I don't know what you're talking about.

REUBEN

Some joke about the paper. It's Izzy's other joke, besides the one about the bread's fresh, it ain't voted yet.

GERSON

I don't know.

REUBEN

'Course the paper's a fuckin' joke itself. They still got that stupid paper we used to deliver, the &emdash; what the fuck was it, the Evening News? No, the Evening Outlook. Remember, our old man used to call it the Evening Outrage.

GERSON

Yeah. No. It died. Got bought out by the Atlantic City Press.

REUBEN

I'll tell you what wasn't such a joke about Izzy's miserable little store. When you were a kid and got sent to the store? All those old farts askin' "Ya gettin' laid?" "Ya gettin' any?" To a kid! Remember? That could really fuck a kid up! Perverts!

VICKI

Gerson, that guy from Cedarville with the potatoes called up again.

GERSON

Aaaah fuck'em.

Sandy returns with the beer. She passes one to everybody.

REUBEN

(opening a bottle)

Hey Gerson what were you sayin' about the Torahs?

VICKI

Oh, Gerson's got this idea that Uncle Frank stole the Torahs. Gerson, I don't know why you keep talking about that. Last night after you and Wayne were talking about it Sara asked me if "Uncle Frank stole the Torahs from the synagogue".

Pause.

REUBEN

Is it true?

GERSON

True. Who the hell knows? He stole from Uncle Sam. And he stole from Uncle Matt. Why wouldn't he steal from God?

REUBEN

Whaddaya mean he stole from Uncle Sam? And Uncle Matt?

GERSON

He got Uncle Sam to sign all of his stocks and his land over to him. And then he put Sam in the county farm.

REUBEN

No shit?

GERSON

Nobody argues about that. Nobody argues about that, do they Vick?

VICKI

No, I guess not. But that doesn't mean he stole the Torahs from the synagogue.

GERSON

And then he did the same thing to Uncle Matt after Aunt Gussie died.

REUBEN

What the fuck for? What did he do with the money, anyway? Is he a gambler or something?

GERSON

Our cousin Henry is now the second in command at Carmel Lumber, and all that money came from what Frank stole. And our cousin David owns Balbirnie's Pharmacy in Bridgeton, courtesy of our Uncle Matt and our Uncle Sam. Yeah, really.

VICKI

Gerson, you don't know that that's true.

GERSON

Nobody can say any different. It's no secret. And remember how Frank refused to show the records of the synagogue? Like how much did they take in from ticket sales at Yom Kippur?

VICKI

But that was because....

GERSON

Which side are you on?

VICKI

I'm not on any side. I just don't think you ought to talk about it all the time.

REUBEN

I never heard any of this shit. This is incredible. This is absolutely incredible.

SANDY

We heard about Frank at the store. Frank had an accident.

REUBEN

But those old farts didn't make a squeak about any Torahs. Or about Matt or Sam. I even asked about Sam.

SANDY

No you didn't. That one guy with the coveralls mentioned Sam. How you used to work for him. "You used to work for Sam out by the farm?"

REUBEN

Oh yeah. Jake. Jake the Snake. So Gerson, what happened? I mean, did he &emdash; did Frank &emdash; actually get away with this shit? He didn't actually go in at night and heist eight Torah scrolls, did he? He didn't take that little one, with the purple cover? Shit, that's like stealin' from a kid!

GERSON

He's got away with it so far.

REUBEN

Yeah. And then, he had an "accident".

(pause)

Kind of lends a new meaning to the word "accident". Doesn't it?

VICKI

I wish you wouldn't talk about it in front of the children.

(pause)

Gerson, you smell like Diesel fuel again.

GERSON

(nervous, standing up, getting back to work)

Yeah, the tractor got a bunch of shit in the fuel line. Sucked it out. I guess I left the can out in the rain too long. I got a new filter on'er now, she'll fire right up.

REUBEN

Let's go get the Rabbi to pray for it. Do they have a prayer for tractors? Hey Sandy, can you make us one up? Blessed art thou, King of the Universe, who bringest forth ... the oil from the ground?

SANDY

No problem.

(in Hebrew)

(cantorally beautiful)

HEBREW VERSION

Blessed art thou, King of the Universe,

Reuben remembers to put his cowboy hat back on.

SANDY (cont.)

who bringest forth the oil from the Ground.

GERSON

You really know this stuff. Did you go to Hebrew school?

SANDY

I'm getting a degree in middle Eastern languages. And anthropology.

GERSON

Great.

REUBEN

(standing up)

Let's see if if it works.

Gerson cranks the tractor. Battery dies.

GERSON

It don't matter. I'll crank it.

Gerson cranks the tractor with a hand crank.

GERSON (cont.)

Maybe we need another prayer.

REUBEN

(popping the last of the bagel into his mouth)

Forget it, man. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

Reuben attacks the handcrank. The farm tractor starts up with a belch and a plume of black smoke. It runs badly for a while, then straightens out.

REUBEN (cont.)

Trucker!

GERSON

So you coming by the house?

REUBEN

(looking at his watch)

I don't know. We got a plane to catch in Philly and I gotta get that trailer back to the railroad, and get the tractor back to the lease outfit. I think we're gonna just take off.

GERSON

That really isn't your truck?

REUBEN

No, man. We told you that. I rented it.

GERSON

Yours broke down?

REUBEN

No, man. It's just easier this way.

Reuben signals "Kill it", referring to the tractor [finger across throat].

GERSON

(shutting off the ignition)

You mean 'causa the cops?

REUBEN

Yeah. The cops. The IRS, the PUC, the DOT, and the ICC. And the CHP. The rules. The government. The government can't have just anybody drivin' one of these things, you know. It's a whole megilla.

GERSON

Well, adios, man.

Gerson sits back down to his family picnic.

VICKI

Goodbye. Say goodbye, children.

REUBEN

(picking up the kids)

See ya later.

SANDY

Nice to have met you. Thanks for lunch. I hope your farming goes okay.

ALL

Bye.

Diesel FIRES UP OFFSTAGE and blasts off, while Gerson and his family get their belongings together to go back to work or back home.

SANDY (offstage)

Listen. I really want to go to the synagogue. Just for a minute.

REUBEN (offstage)

Yeah, sure, okay, I just gotta stop in and say hello at the house.

INTERMISSION

THREE

Reuben's grandmother's house. Prominent samovar. GRANDMA is sitting on the edge of a sofa; prominent TV set, back to the audience. Small coffee table has a few items including a postcard. Grandma is watching the tube. Diesel NOISE approaching. She looks a bit annoyed, straining to hear the TV. Diesel SHUTS DOWN. Screen door SLAMS. CLOMP of boots inside the house. Enter Reuben and Sandy.

REUBEN

Grandma!

Grandmother doesn't quite recognize him.

GRANDMA

How are you, dear?

REUBEN

Fine.

An awkward pause. Reuben kisses his grandmother.

REUBEN (cont.)

Grandma, this is Sandy.

SANDY

How do you do, Mrs. Bernstein?

GRANDMA

Isn't that funny? I thought it was Gerson. How are you, dear?

Reuben turns down the TV set.

GRANDMA (cont.)

Reuben, did you have anything to eat?

REUBEN

We saw Gerson out plowin' a field. Vicki fed us.

GRANDMA

Oh. Okay, dear. Whatever you want. What about you, dear?

SANDY

Oh, I'm fine.

(pause)

And we had a big breakfast, in Atlantic City.

GRANDMA

Oh, isn't that nice? Did they have eggs, and cereal?

REUBEN

It was kosher. Bacon and eggs. Kosher bacon and eggs.

GRANDMA

Did you eat on the Boardwalk?

SANDY

We ate in a casino. Reuben found it. It was cheap. And then we stopped and ate lunch, with Reuben's brother. And his family.

GRANDMA

That's nice, dear. So you had something. Let me fix you some nice hot tea. Nothing fancy.

REUBEN

Sit, Grandma. It's okay. Hey, did you get my card? That I was coming?

GRANDMA

Yes. It's right here.

(displaying the card on the table)

Aunt Hilda told me you were coming. Do you talk to her?

REUBEN

No. No, I don't. She got me this job.

GRANDMA

That's nice, dear. Are you finished?

REUBEN

Yep. All done.

(turning down the TV set some more)

But we have to return the truck.

GRANDMA

Oh. You drove a pickup truck, dear?

REUBEN

No. A semi. An eighteen-wheeler. Didn't you hear us drive up?

GRANDMA

So many of them go by here now. It's so noisy! It makes me very nervous. Every time it's like this it's always before a war.

REUBEN

I have to return the truck, so we can't stay too long.

GRANDMA

That's too bad. Here, let me make you something, some tea.

(to Sandy)

Do you drive too?

SANDY

No. I let him do that.

(laughing)

I let him drive me around.

GRANDMA

I hear so much nowadays about this lib.

REUBEN

I showed you some women truck drivers, remember, Sandy? Up there on fifty-four where we come off'a ninety-five, I showed you the two women in one-stack Macks pullin' belly dumps full'a sand. Remember?

SANDY

Yeah. That was neat. Hey, Reuben, I don't want to drive one of those things. Really.

REUBEN

I know.

(hugging her)

You just ought to know enough to steer it off the road. In case there's a problem.

SANDY

(patting him on the arm)

Okay, Reuben. Reuben is worried that we'll have an accident and I'll have to drive the truck off the road.

REUBEN

It could happen. 'Course, if there's an accident you can't drive one of those things off the road anyhow. You know if you blow a front tire on the turnpike, you're a deadman!

(deadman is one word, as in postman)

The whole thing just goes out of control. Spins the steering wheel so hard, it snaps your wrist in half.

(pause)

I tell ya. It's enough to keep a man honest.

GRANDMA

Dear, how long can you stay?

REUBEN

Uuuh ... we've got to get the truck back to Philly right away.

GRANDMA

So then you'll be back?

REUBEN

No. I don't think so. I mean, we've got to get it back, and then we've got to .... we've got to get back for some ... Sandy's got to go back to school.

GRANDMA

Oh, you're in school, dear? That's nice.

SANDY

I go to the University.

GRANDMA

That's nice. Do you work hard? Reuben always was a hard worker. Reuben, are you going to go back to college? You know Reuben was studying to be a doctor.

REUBEN

Yeah. Sure, Grandma. Maybe. Someday.

GRANDMA

My husband, when he was alive, wanted Reuben to study medicine. Reuben, have you been to see Gerson? You know he has such nice children. And the little boy is so wonderful.

Screen door SLAMS.

GRANDMA (cont.)

That must be Aunt Till.

TILLIE enters. Tillie is about sixty, wears a nurse's uniform. She bustles about, fluffing up pillows and rearranging everything for Reuben's grandmother.

TILLIE

Oh, as I live and breathe. Reuben, how are you! My God, I haven't seen you since you were this high! Did you just get in? And who is this? You must be Reuben's girlfriend. Hilda was telling me all about you. You're Sandy, isn't that right? Hilda was telling me about what a marvelous thing it was that you were both going to come all the way to Atlantic City to decorate one of the hotels.

(turning up the TV)

It's time for your show, Eva. You're going to be here for a while, Reuben?

(switching channels)

You know, Eva, Fay was in today. Oy, yoy yoy, she looks awful again. I don't know, I just don't know. It's always somethin'. And poor Frank! Oy vey! Oy vey es mir! He's just got no one to look after him &emdash; well, you know Bonnie does what she can, but she's got her own children to look after &emdash; well, you know, you just do what you can and hope God will provide. There, is that comfortable? Oh, I like this fella he's so funny don't you think Eva. Do you watch this program, Reuben? What about you, Sandy? Don't you just love that man!

Enter tweedily dressed SHRINK, carrying his notepad; and a STAGEHAND carrying a projection screen and two chairs. Stagehand sets the two chairs and the screen on the other side of the stage from the living room. Stagehand pulls up the screen, which has a painted backdrop of San Francisco Bay as observed from the East Bay hills. Shrink takes a seat.

Exit Stagehand.

Shrink waits expectantly for his client, studying his notes.

SANDY

Love'em. Piece'a my heart.

TILLIE

And his adorable wife, too. And it's so true to life. I don't think I've enjoyed anything so much in years. I know your Grandmother loves it, Reuben. Oh, look at that. Isn't that somethin'?

Reuben's grandmother is on the edge of her sofa. Tillie is bustling about endlessly, Sandy is taking it all in.

Reuben gets up and goes over to Shrink's side of the stage, and sits down. Shrink and Reuben appear to have been at it for twenty minutes at least.

Sandy checks out the artifacts &emdash; old books, photo albums, etc. She makes tea with the old samovar.

SANDY

Her parents brought the culture over here from Europe. The whole shtetl. Gunlock, gunstock, and gunbarrel. The culture.

She's the keeper of the flame for a whole culture. After her, it's going to be extinct. Dead. Dead as a dodo bird or a passenger pigeon.

She's just an old woman. She's harmless. For seventy years she's brutalized by a tyrannical husband. Now she gets brutalized by Tillie and the TV.

But you know, she wasn't so innocent. She presided over this incredible scene of beating the hell out of kids. And she drove off Reuben's father. And the schoolboard she was on kept the little migrant labor kids from going to school. Probably all kinds of other stories Reuben hasn't told me.

REUBEN

(to Shrink)

You're "not buying" it. Right. The Culture. Too vague. We've been over this. I'm going on and on about the "culture", some vague bullshit, because I'm "afraid to take myself seriously." That's my grandmother, right? And she's just going on and on and on.... I mean, like my Aunt Tillie goes on and on. They all go on and on. Services at the synagogue go on and on. On and on. It just goes on and on, over and over. It drives me fuckin' nuts. I want to tear ... Aaaah, never mind. You want to know "... how do I feel about it", not "what do I ... " not what do I what? I can't remember. Come on, tell me. What was it I was supposed to not do?

(pause)

(standing up, pacing)

The whole culture. The whole culture was wrapped up in five words. "Time to go to shul." My grandfather walking through the house on Friday night.

(walking patriarchally)

"Time to go to shul."

(sitting)

The last time I went to Shul I was twenty one years old. I hadn't been to synagogue in two years &emdash; I'd been away. Out of town. But see, when you've been travelling, and you get back to your home town synagogue, you say the first part of the service on Friday. Minha. Anybody can say it.

I mean, anybody can lead it. Anybody can lead any of it. The Jewish religion was always supposed to be democratic. Anybody could lead the services. Anybody could read the Torah to anybody else. You didn't need anybody to intercede for you with God. You didn't need a middleman between you and God. The Jews, though, they made a religion out of the middleman. The priesthood. They were the guys who could get it for you wholesale &emdash; they knew somebody. Mister Middleman.

Reuben stands, disturbed by what he himself is saying.

REUBEN (cont.)

(reassuring himself)

So my grandfather says, "Time to go to shul." So we go.

(pause)

And it's almost sundown at the shul, and I'm waiting for Mr Schwartz &emdash; the Gabbai &emdash; to tell me to please put on a tallis, it's time to say Minha. But he doesn't. And then the Rabbi starts to go up to lead the prayers. "Hey," I said. "Mr Schwartz, maybe you missed me."

(mimicking)

"It's a special soivice. The rebbi has to do it."

I went and looked in a book and there was nothing special about it.

"Mr Schwartz, what's the problem?"

"It's your hair," he said. "It's not respectable."

Yeah, right, I had long hair. So what.

So I told him, that he could stand there and pray as long and as hard as he wanted to, because it wouldn't do him any good at all, because, Mr Schwartz, when you die, you're gonna go straight to Hell. You know, as in, Hey! Fuck you, Jack!

(seated again)

Old guy looked like somebody just kicked his dog. I mean, this dude had one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel already, and here I am, consigning the old boy to the fires of Hell. Just for being a bigot. In a religion that doesn't even believe in Hell, or Purgatory, or any of that shit. But Schwartz wouldn't know that. He was just an old Holocaust Jew who knew how to daaven. Probably never read the Bible in his life. Left all that stuff for the Rabbi to do.

Like most people.

The Bible. People don't actually read it; they just quote it out of context, now and then.

Anyway, I split. Kissed my prayerbook goodbye &emdash; literally &emdash;

(pantomiming)

put it down real politely in the back of the seat in front of me. Politely. You know,

(with a glance at the heavens)

wouldn't want to take any chances. And then I split. Never been back. Never gonna go back. Might get too riled up, end up like that fella that made a lotta noise throwin' the "moneychangers outa the temple." Really got his tit in a wringer.

(pause)

Yeah. That schmuck.

Reuben stands, walks back to the other side of the stage, where Tillie, Grandma, Sandy, and the TV set are all looking at him expectantly. He resumes his seat and his bored, anxious expression.

Tillie serves tea.

REUBEN (cont.)

(schizophrenically)

Yes.

Reuben takes tea, sips once.

Reuben gets back up, walks back to Shrink's office. He paces about, rather than resuming his seat. Shrink looks at Reuben expectantly.

REUBEN (cont.)

Yeah, I know, what's all that have to do with me. Stop hiding behind a bunch of stories and anecdotes. It's all very amusing, but can't you ... no, it's don't you ... How do ... How do you feel about it? "What are you feeling right now?" Get in touch with your feelings. All that ... crap.

A pause. Shrink looks interested, expectant, tentatively pleased. Reuben stays on his feet.

REUBEN (cont.)

(mimicking)

"Reuben was studying to be a doctor."

(pause)

Different day. Same shit.

A pause. Shrink looks very interested.

REUBEN (cont.)

All right. I'll tell you how I fucking feel about it, man. I'm mad! I'm mad as hell. That's how I feel about it. I mean, what's all this "Poor Frank" bullshit? And this Fay "looks just awful again today"? Frank had it comin', man!

(fist slaps palm)

Frank had it comin'!!

(pause)

Near as I can tell, nobody is doin' a fucking thing about it. That bugs me. How they "don't get involved."

Right. So what do I give a shit? Who am I? The Lone Ranger? Mister Clean? Who died and left me Boss?

(getting right in the shrink's face)

I mean, I feel like that place personally fucked me over. My grandfather, my grandmother, Frank, Fay, Tillie, Schwartz, the Rabbi. All of'em. Everybody.

(pause)

Except maybe my mother.

A pause. Shrink looks disappointed.

REUBEN (cont.)

I'm not particularly mad at her.

Another pause. Shrink looks at Reuben with professional detachment once again.

REUBEN (cont.)

I mean, she doesn't really figure in all this; I mean, what could she have done?

Pause; Shrink closes his notebook cover. Reuben sits down, burned out.

REUBEN (cont.)

(awkwardly)

She ... was never there.

Very long, very awkward pause.

SHRINK

(salvaging, referring to his notes)

Who is Frank?

REUBEN

Frank! Frenk! Who is Frenk? Frank is the morning and the evening star. Frenk is love.

(pause)

That's not true. Actually, Frank is the guy who liked to brag, down at the general store, about how long his son's cock is. That's Frank.

(pause)

So of course I'd like to believe it, that he had it comin', 'cause I drive professionally, and I gotta think about accidents.

REUBEN (cont.)

Accidents. There's lots of single car collisions, in the middle of nowhere. With nobody else around. Hit a pole. Fatal accidents. Accident, bullshit! Those are suicide.

But Frank, and all that weird stuff about the stop sign and the tree limb and the really excess suffering, with Aunt Fay and all. Sheeeesh! And then my own brother and his crazy stories about the Torah scrolls. Every single solitary scroll, man! Even that little motherfucker &emdash; little bitty hand printed Torah, just for kids. The kids knew it was for kids.

(kicking over the chair)

Hey, fuck Frank! Frank had it comin'.

SANDY

Frank's his uncle, his grandfather's sister's husband's brother. Frank the proud papa, Reuben called him. And Frank the toilet installer, and Frank the mechanic. Reuben even told me how Frank used to ride around on an Indian Seventy Four "motorsickle" in his younger and better days; how Frank used to drive midgets &emdash; professionally. Then Reuben would say,

(mimicking)

"I don't really know that for a fact. That was before my time." Reuben doesn't even really know if Frank ripped off his Uncle Sam and his Uncle Matt. The old folks. A heinous offense, if ever there was one. Old people bunko. That's what I heard Jack Friday call it on Dragnet. On TV. Old people bunko.

Reuben goes back to the TV area. Sandy taps Reuben on the ass; "Let's go."

REUBEN (cont.)

Grandma .... We're gonna go back to work. We'll be back real soon. I promise.

GRANDMA

(still with the TV)

Okay dear. Goodbye dear. I wish you could stay, but another time.

Reuben kisses his grandmother. Sandy pats Reuben's grandmother on the shoulder.

SANDY

'Bye.

REUBEN

See you later, Aunt Till.

TILLIE

Goodbye dear. Drive safely.

SANDY

Nice to have met you.

Exeunt Reuben and Sandy to offstage.

SANDY (offstage)

Reuben, let's go to the synagogue. Just for a minute.

Diesel FIRES UP OFFSTAGE and takes off. Reuben's grandmother is glued to her TV set.

FOUR

HEBREW VERSION of Act FOUR

INTERIOR OF SYNAGOGUE. The AUDIENCE is the Congregation. The theater-synagogue is brightly lit, including the orchestra pit. The stage-pulpit is half lit; the ark is on the stage. Everything is in order for services. Prominent Eternal Light.

Standing about near the front of the synagogue in the orchestra pit, looking like visitors to a museum, are four members of a family &emdash; a man, a woman, and their two children, ABE, EVA, YEVSHIN AND IRACHAEL. They are dressed after the manner of desert Bedouins. They are checking out the various artifacts in the synagogue, including the wine. They don't look a bit surprised or threatened when Reuben and Sandy approach the synagogue.

DIESEL APPROACHES (as usual in this production), RUMBLES for a while, then shuts down, all OFFSTAGE. Reuben and Sandy approach the synagogue entrance (the back of the Audience).

In a larger production, with a separate Congregation, the women are seated in a separate section from the men. Upstairs in a balcony would be fine, seated in the back would be fine, just so the division is more than obvious.

Underlined dialogue is to be translated into spoken Hebrew/Aramaic, of the variety spoken circa 4000 B.C. The Underlined Dialogue has been translated into Hebrew, and printed in Hebrew, and is to be cut and pasted by hand in place of the underlined English dialogue.

HEBREW VERSION of Act FOUR

REUBEN

What's this? All the lights are on.

(pause)

Hey, check this out. The door is open.

(pause)

Oh, man, this is a trip. What are these people, stiffs?

SANDY

(hanging back)

These people aren't normal.

Reuben snaps his fingers in front of a praying person.

REUBEN

I don't even know these people. These people are strange.

(notices the Bedouins)

Oh, pardon me. I didn't see you there.

(pause)

I'm...my name is Reuben Spector. This is.... You don't speak English.

Bedouins introduce themselves in Aramaic. Their speech is accompanied by many and fluent gestures and handwavings.

ABE

I'm Abe. This is my wife Eva.

EVA

These are our children, Yevshin and Irachael.

Reuben acknowledges. Sandy acknowledges.

REUBEN

(to Sandy)

You understand that? That sounds kind of Middle Eastern.

SANDY

My name is Sandy. My father's name was Morton.

REUBEN

Try and strike up a conversation.

SANDY

Okay, Columbus.

(holding up fingers)

One. Two. Three. Four.

HEBREW VERSION of Act FOUR

(get the idea here? on the web, you're supposed to be reading the Hebrew version of Act 4 in one window, but if you don't actually know Hebrew (like most of us) you need to have this version in another window.)

One. Two. Three. Four.

ABE

One. Two. Three. Four.

(pause)

Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

(pause; pointing)

Man. Father. Woman. Mother. Wife. Boy. Son. Girl. Et Cetera.

SANDY

You are a man. I am a wife.

ABE

You are a wife? Woman? Unmarried woman?

SANDY

Building. This is a building.

ABE

This is a building. This is a large building. Very high. Tall.

REUBEN

Is he speaking Hebrew?

SANDY

You can't tell?

REUBEN

No.

SANDY

Oh, right, you learned how to speak Hebrew at Hebrew school but they never taught you what the words mean. That's not exactly Hebrew; maybe it's Aramaic.

We're just visitors. He grew up here. My name is Sandy. His name is Reuben.

ABE

He grew up here. You didn't grow up here. He &emdash; Reuben &emdash; doesn't live here?

SANDY

No. He lives &emdash; we live three thousand miles away.

(to Reuben)

We live three thousand miles away. He wanted to know if we live here.

(to Abe)

If you don't mind my asking, why are you here?

ABE

We're travellers.

SANDY

He says they're travellers.

Travellers.

REUBEN

From where?

ABE

Nod el Hazrin.

REUBEN

Oh. Nod el Hazrin. Tell him we're from Berkeley.

SANDY

We're from Berkeley. That's in California. That's three thousand miles away.

ABE

How long did it take you to get here? And I hope you had a pleasant trip.

REUBEN

Six hours.

SANDY

Six hours.

ABE

Three thousand miles in six hours! You flew!

Abe flaps his wings in pantomime.

REUBEN

Yeah.

ABE

And will you fly away from here?

SANDY

Will you fly away from here.

No, we have a truck.

REUBEN

Tell him there's no airstrip here. Flying is if you're in a big hurry. If he's really in a hurry, there's a telephone.

SANDY

Is there a telephone here?

REUBEN

Actually, no, there isn't. The synagogue never had a telephone. We got a hotline to Heaven.

ABE

What's a truck?

SANDY

A large wagon. With eighteen wheels. It's very heavy and can carry a lot of weight.

A large wagon. An eighteen-wheeler. It's very heavy and can carry a lot of weight.

ABE

Eighteen? You haul people?

SANDY

(lots of gesturing)

Do you haul people. We carried trees. To the seashore. Metal trees. We picked up a rented truck, and a railroad trailer. We picked them up in San Francisco, and took them to Richmond, with the rented truck, and then the railroad train took them to Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. The city of brotherly love.

ABE

The City of Brotherly Love.

SANDY

We picked them up again, and took them to the seashore, to Atlantic City. And now we are going home, empty. Two truckers.

ABE

Bronze trees? Bronze tree sculptures?

SANDY

Precisely! Bronze tree sculptures.

REUBEN

Hey, ask him if he's a sculptor.

SANDY

Are you a sculptor?

ABE

No. I am not. And that is a very good story. Very good.

SANDY

You like my style?

ABE

This kind of story I would tell in the evening. Yes, this is an evening story. It is a strange tale, but it makes people think of work.

EVA

Not Saturday morning. No. This should be an evening tale. With a fire. And maybe you have a cousin, who knows how to make the pictures in the sand that go with the story? My cousin, Azrael, he travels with us, and he is very good at drawing the pictures in the sand. That is very good, also, that your story is short. We always try to make things shorter. Shorter and Shorter. The shorter, the better. Then we have more time to tell stories. Compression!

ABE

Compression!

SANDY

He said, This story (the one about hauling those stupid tin trees to Atlantic City) is an evening story, a strange tale that makes people think of work. She said, Not Saturday morning. No. This should be an evening tale. With a fire. And maybe you have a cousin, who knows how to make the pictures in the sand that go with the story? My cousin, Azrael,

SANDY (cont)

(checks with Eva)

he travels with us, and he is very good at drawing the pictures in the sand.

(to herself)

Pictures in sand?

(to Eva)

Sand?

Eva nods.

SANDY (cont.)

That is very good, also, that your story is short. We always try to make things shorter. Shorter and Shorter. The shorter, the better. Then we have more time to tell stories. Compression!

ABE

(in English)

Compression.

REUBEN

Compression... You're an artist?

SANDY

Are you an artist?

ABE

I am a storyteller.

EVA

He's very well-known.

SANDY

He's very well known.

Like a travelling storyteller?

Like a travelling storyteller. You didn't tell me you had travelling storytellers here. And seances, or mass hypnosis sessions, or whatever is going on here.

SANDY (cont)

What kind of stories?

ABE

All kinds of stories. Stories for little people, stories for lovers, stories for big groups, stories for just a few people.

SANDY

He tells all kinds of stories. Stories for little people, stories for lovers, stories for big groups, stories for just a few people.

ABE

Stories about brave men, brave women, and about cowards. Every story has a hero and a coward.

SANDY

Stories about brave men, brave women, and about cowards. Every story has a hero and a coward.

I wish to hear a story.

EVA

Tell her the story of the Rain.

ABE

You want to hear the story of a man, many years ago, who built a ship to float on the rain? When it rained for days and days, and night after night...

SANDY

You want to hear the story of a man, many years ago, who built a ship to float on the rain? When it rained for days and days, and night after night...

You mean Noah?

ABE

Noah! You know the story of Noah? This is amazing! Tell me, where did you learn the story of Noah? Are you a storyteller?

SANDY

Noah! You know the story of Noah. This is amazing. Tell me, where did you learn the story of Noah. Are you a storyteller.

Everybody knows the story of Noah.

Everybody knows the story of Noah. Right?

REUBEN

Everybody Knoahs.

ABE

Ah, Eva, listen to this! Everybody &emdash; Everybody! &emdash; knows the story of Noah! Tell me: How does it go, this story of Noah?

SANDY

Everybody &emdash; Everybody &emdash; knows the story of Noah. How does it go.

(pantomiming like crazy)

You know, the rains were coming.

Abe pantomimes with her. Eva plays the part of a good listener. The children know all about how to listen to a story.

SANDY (cont.)

Noah and his wife put all the animals in the Ark two by two, and they were saved even though it rained forty days and forty nights.

ABE

Yes! That's the way I tell it. Maybe a little longer, by me. Before me, in the story, everyone was flooded and drowned. But I had Noah! Who lived, and carried the Law with him!

SANDY

That's the way I tell it. Maybe a little longer, the way I tell it. Before me, in the story, everyone was flooded and drowned. But I had Noah! Who lived, and carried the Law with him! Reuben, this is unbelievable! This guy is older than Homer!

REUBEN

(leafing through a Bible)

Tell him we've got the story right here.

(handing Sandy the Bible)

Here.

SANDY

See?

ABE

Here?

SANDY

(pointing to the word "Noah")

Noah.

ABE

Very good! Look at this Eva.

Abe and Eva excitedly and amusedly point to the word "Noah" in the book.

EVA

Who else is in here? Maybe Bazrahin is in here too. He's good too. Not as well known as Abe, but good. Not as good with the hands, but good. Not as good with the dramatic irony, but good. Not bad.

SANDY

Who else is in here? Maybe Bazrahin is in here. He's good, not as well known as Abe, but good. Not as good with the hands, but good. Not as good with the dramatic irony, but good. Not bad.